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For those skateboarding game aficionados out there, you (like Alexander and I) have probably been playing EA’s Skate franchise for the last couple of years. After looking at Tony Hawk’s new upcoming series, ‘Ride,’ I have a feeling that the next few years will be no different.

Image used from http://www.gamespot.com

Tony Hawk, a legend among legends in skateboarding, revolutionized the skateboarding genre of the video game industry back in 1999 with the release of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater. And for years, there was no competition (unless you want to include the buggy-as-hell Thrasher game or the ‘Top Skater’ arcade game that sucked-ass-but-i-still-played-the-hell-out-of) – until EA released Skate for Playstation 3/Xbox 360. It all went downhill from there for the Tony Hawk series.

Understandably, Tony wants to bring new life to his namesake series. But after seeing the in-game footage, I have doubts that it will do his name any justice. The ONLY thing that looks cool about this new game to me, is the awesome controller. I have a feeling that EA is watching Tony’s moves, and will make his controller compatible with THEIR game. Only time will tell…

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Probably Michael Rapaport’s most brilliant performance ever. No fucking lie. I thought he was a pretty damn good actor prior to this, but now…wow… amazing film. Anyways in “Special”, Rapaport plays Les, an unfulfilled meter maid who enrolls in a drug study for an experimental anti-depressant.  Soon after taking his first dosage, Les begins to develop an unusual set of skills.  With these new skills, he quits his job to fight crime as a superhero. 

At first I was incredibly skeptical because I wasn’t sure if it was to be a comedy or drama, but it’s what most would call a dramady.  Very humorous, but incredibly emotional.  Watch it, see for yourself.  It’s been out for a while in Europe, but recently made it’s way to the states. Check the trailer out after the break:

BUY IT — ($23)

Star Trek (2009)

Going Boldly Where Movie Films Have Never Gone Before (in recent years)…

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We, at the Ministry of Criticism, are not considered to be “Trekkies.” We were not sheltered as kids. Rather than having debates on the best captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise (or other ships), we were jumping our bikes off of homemade ramps and lighting things on fire. But, after seeing the latest Star Trek movie (directed by JJ Abrams), this has all changed. I can’t speak for the other members of the Ministry when I say this, but:

The newest Star Trek is the greatest movie I have ever seen.

Whew. That was a relief. I’ve been waiting a long time to say that. Moving on, I decided after seeing this masterpiece that I would indulge in the prior Star Trek classics (starting with Season 1 of the TV show). So far (thanks to the Xbox 360/Netflix partnership), I’ve watched 6 episodes, and I’m loving it.

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For every Trekkie I’ve talked to so far about my new obsession, they feel that the original series and The Next Generation are the best out of the mix – the rest are evidently “crap.” The most exciting thing about TNG for me isn’t that Patrick Stewart plays an excellent captain – it’s LeVar Burton. After being a Twitter nut, and remembering the Reading Rainbow days, I’ve really started to appreciate everything that LeVar has done, including Star Trek. For those of you with Twitter accounts, follow him: @levarburton.

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P.S. Oh yeah, Wil Wheaton, another TNG actor (played some little kid, evidently) is also on Twitter: @wilw.

Photos courtesy ofosylphstripes.blogspot.com, goremasternews.wordpress.com, and mp3.com, respectively.

GO SEE STAR TREK IMMEDIATELY!

So yeah, this is the softer side of Yukon (alexander), but I saw this treehouse today and nearly lost myself.  This is truly amazing. How a group of people led by Linda Aldredge, built this amazing self sustainable structure in the middle of northern NY, still blows my mind and makes my heart yearn for anything that would crawl close to this caliber.  Amenities include solar panels that are attached to the roof for any electrical needs (mainly an iPod for entertainment) and propane tanks for aiding in heat for the winter; not to mention mother nature’s ability to paint beautiful panoramas for your viewing pleasure nearly every single day.   Anyone wanting to follow suit only needs a few supplies…friends (check), imagination (check), booze; for morale (check), and lots of fucking wood + tools (hmmm…)  While I’m working on the latter, anyone wanting to check out more about the treehouse and ideal living (outside of city life) check out Linda’s blog.

Ps. Sorry for the repetitive parentheticals… seemed necessary at the time.

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Welcome Summer music holy fuck!  I know this album came out in January and it’s my fault for not keeping up with my favorite bands but yeah yeah I fucked up. Anyways, Matt & Kim, wow…I … yeah wow, it’s been a while. I remember when I would see them in 10 X 10 rooms with 100 other people crammed in like sardines and the floors felt like they would fall apart any second due to the amount of uninhibited and almost subconsciously habitual dancing.  In fact I was worried about both Matt & Kim for a long time, every show, photo, and video I saw of them they would be smiling… I’m sure at some point some sort of physical therapy ensued for their frozen cheek muscles. Anyways, it’s been a while, they were recently in Athens promoting their new album but I missed it and was thoroughly distraught, but yesterday I saw a Bacardi Mojito commercial and heard their new song “Daylight” and nearly lost my shit, so I scurried to iTunes and purchased their new album.  So glad I did. This new album, within 9 hours, has given inspiration in addition to a few other aids which I will cover soon… be patient…

Okay, okay, let me get to the point.  Matt & Kim’s new album “Grand” is fucking amazing. And so far, it’s my favorite album of the year, so buy it or die. Nuff said.  Oh yeah, here’s a preview of their album…the song below is “Day Light”:

BUY — ($6.99)

EDIT: Pandemic Week is now over and we are back to normal, I hope everyone enjoyed it as much as we did.  There will be more themed weeks to come so stay posted and stay alive, because we all know a pandemic is imminent.

Sincerely,

The Ministry of Criticism.

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So today starts what we’re calling “Pandemic Week” on Ministry of Criticism.  We will cover everything from updated news on the H1N1 virus, movies about pandemics/epidemics/outbreaks, gear and gadgets that will help protect you from and during a pandemic, as well as possible worst case scenarios. So without further adieu, let’t get this mother fucker started.

Love,

The Ministry of Criticism

 

If you read the last post, on Wednesday, then you know that The Ministry suggests avoiding contact with the undead as much as possible. This is because you know jack shit about how survive in a fight against the hordes of dead cannibals clawing at your door. If the preceeding sentence defines you, then you may not want to read on, as you could find yourself in a world of shit real quick. Alright, moving on. Unless you are a complete pussy, you are probably going to want to dispatch some zombies on your journey. Would you really be able to look your grandchildren in the eye and say ” Well, youre old grandpappy here didn’t do a goddamn thing to stop the zombies who killed his family. In fact, I tucked my balls between my legs and ran like a scared bitch all the way to a cave where I cowered like a faggot for nearly two years.”  If you can live with yourself being a scared bitch like grandpappy there, then stop reading this. You are offending me.

 Now, as we all know, your enemy are a herd of ruthless, heartless and determined killing machines. You also should be a ruthless, heartless and determined zombie killing badass. You must strike with pure malice again and again until your foes are but shreds of meat lying on the ground before you. Do not take pity on any undead creature, whether it male, female or child. They are all focused towards the same goal, devouring you and your comrades like John Candy would devour a thanksgiving feast. Be viciously efficient in your killings and earn as many KpM ( Kills per Minute) as possible. You will be the kind of hero the world needs.

 Given that the ideal killing machine will be found once in a thousand. So some of you may be thinking ” How can I become a badass conveyer of death?” Chances are you will never be one, but you can still be affective with the right guidance and information. Luckily I took time from my busy schedule to help you. No need to thank me, Im just doing my part to end the zompocalypse swiftly and fully. Now you probably don’t have the killer instinct, but not to worry, I have included some tips on how to unleash the beast.

 1. If you smoke. Stop! Giving up this disgusting yet oh so amazing habit will have you on edge and ready to snap at any moment. You will be irritable and that can be used to your advantage. I know if I were to stop smoking and three days later about thirty zombies gathered around my fortress and started to moan incessantly, I would start lopping off heads in a mater of seconds.

2. Listen to Death Metal. Actually any type of Metal will do. Find a track that makes you want to break shit and when a herd of skin munching assholes come your way hit that shit and ran wild.

 Now that you have some tips to unleash the beast, go grab a sword and start practicing pronto. Never hurts to be prepared. As you can imagine though, this killing is tiring business. The Ministry recomends a strict diet of methamphetamine, anabolic steroids and Flinstones chewable vitamins to help keep you awake, alert and make the body strong. This can be supplemented, using your discretion, with alcoholic beverages. They don’t call it liquid courage for nothing. Used properly, it can take your killing status to a calibre coveted by WoW nerds everywhere.

 I hope this has been informative and I hope to see you on the other side of the plague years in one piece.