Archive for the ‘The Infirmary’ Category

EDIT: Pandemic Week is now over and we are back to normal, I hope everyone enjoyed it as much as we did.  There will be more themed weeks to come so stay posted and stay alive, because we all know a pandemic is imminent.


The Ministry of Criticism.


So today starts what we’re calling “Pandemic Week” on Ministry of Criticism.  We will cover everything from updated news on the H1N1 virus, movies about pandemics/epidemics/outbreaks, gear and gadgets that will help protect you from and during a pandemic, as well as possible worst case scenarios. So without further adieu, let’t get this mother fucker started.


The Ministry of Criticism


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If you read the last post, on Wednesday, then you know that The Ministry suggests avoiding contact with the undead as much as possible. This is because you know jack shit about how survive in a fight against the hordes of dead cannibals clawing at your door. If the preceeding sentence defines you, then you may not want to read on, as you could find yourself in a world of shit real quick. Alright, moving on. Unless you are a complete pussy, you are probably going to want to dispatch some zombies on your journey. Would you really be able to look your grandchildren in the eye and say ” Well, youre old grandpappy here didn’t do a goddamn thing to stop the zombies who killed his family. In fact, I tucked my balls between my legs and ran like a scared bitch all the way to a cave where I cowered like a faggot for nearly two years.”  If you can live with yourself being a scared bitch like grandpappy there, then stop reading this. You are offending me.

 Now, as we all know, your enemy are a herd of ruthless, heartless and determined killing machines. You also should be a ruthless, heartless and determined zombie killing badass. You must strike with pure malice again and again until your foes are but shreds of meat lying on the ground before you. Do not take pity on any undead creature, whether it male, female or child. They are all focused towards the same goal, devouring you and your comrades like John Candy would devour a thanksgiving feast. Be viciously efficient in your killings and earn as many KpM ( Kills per Minute) as possible. You will be the kind of hero the world needs.

 Given that the ideal killing machine will be found once in a thousand. So some of you may be thinking ” How can I become a badass conveyer of death?” Chances are you will never be one, but you can still be affective with the right guidance and information. Luckily I took time from my busy schedule to help you. No need to thank me, Im just doing my part to end the zompocalypse swiftly and fully. Now you probably don’t have the killer instinct, but not to worry, I have included some tips on how to unleash the beast.

 1. If you smoke. Stop! Giving up this disgusting yet oh so amazing habit will have you on edge and ready to snap at any moment. You will be irritable and that can be used to your advantage. I know if I were to stop smoking and three days later about thirty zombies gathered around my fortress and started to moan incessantly, I would start lopping off heads in a mater of seconds.

2. Listen to Death Metal. Actually any type of Metal will do. Find a track that makes you want to break shit and when a herd of skin munching assholes come your way hit that shit and ran wild.

 Now that you have some tips to unleash the beast, go grab a sword and start practicing pronto. Never hurts to be prepared. As you can imagine though, this killing is tiring business. The Ministry recomends a strict diet of methamphetamine, anabolic steroids and Flinstones chewable vitamins to help keep you awake, alert and make the body strong. This can be supplemented, using your discretion, with alcoholic beverages. They don’t call it liquid courage for nothing. Used properly, it can take your killing status to a calibre coveted by WoW nerds everywhere.

 I hope this has been informative and I hope to see you on the other side of the plague years in one piece.

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Holy fucking awesome!!! This tactical crossbow sits on the trigger mechanism of an AR-15 and has custom bolts  that are made specifically for this crossbow that are 10x stronger than normal bolts.  The Tac 15 Crossbow also features a leverage crank to allow for setting a bolt extremely quickly, which would be super helpful when there are multiple zombies encroaching on you.  I want a zompocalypse to occur just to use this thing on those flesh eating sons of bitches. Imagine that scene in the remake of Dawn of the Dead when they’re sniping celebrity look-a-likes, but with the Tac 15 Crossbow (except not in german).

BUY — ($1300)

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Diary of the Dead a film by George A. Romero is the absolute worst zombie movie I have ever seen. The movie is about a group of college kids trying to get home during a zompocalypse or an outbreak on H1Z1 if you will. But each character has to be the most annoying fuck on the face of the earth especially the main character, who won’t put down the camera for his life. I mean for fuck sake if a zombie is attacking you, wouldn’t you throw your camera down and kick some zombie ass? And if you answered no to the previous question you need to just go out and die already because no one is going to help you out in the event of a zompocalypse, in fact they will probably kill you themselves. But aside from that, zombie attacks in this film are a rare occurrence and are extremely shitty. The only bad ass character was this older guy at the end who started killing zombies with a bow and arrow which was just plain awesome. Don’t believe me? Check out the clip below:

Other than the awesome ownage in that scene, you can see how annoying some of the characters are, like the bitch running and screaming like an idiot into another room and right back out a second later, WTF!!!!

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The common “tagline” for this one is “Thanks, Baby. You’ve killed us all.”


This “comic” is an obvious attack on rednecks and hillbillies…

Bennett_Swine Flu

I have no idea what this is about:


This is a badass swine flu mask. Plus, the guys sporting a Volcom shirt (so, extra “cool points”):


Obviously, this guy is being studied for his swine flu symptoms to help the detection for others. But he has another, bigger, problem: HIS ORGANS ARE EXPOSED!


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So, for those new to Twitter (or those who need to jump on board already!), a couple of trends have started around the ideas and conversations about zombies. The first, #MFZAR mondays, was mentioned in a prior thread by Alex. The second is #zombietalk, where “Agent M” of Marvel.com comes up with a topic that everyone involved on Twitter, discusses publicly. This thursday, Agent M (aka Ryan Penagos) decided on this topic:

So, today’s #zombietalk topic is Zombie Trek. Come up with zombie Star Trek episode/movie titles, photoshops, ideas, etc.

And here are some of my favorite ideas by other Twitter users:

“Zombie Tribble Trouble” by Zeblue_Prime:


I_Am_Ninja has a great movie idea:

Zombie Trek: The Next Regeneration! #zombietalk

Santa Francisca has a great line to appear in a movie/episode of Star Trek:

 Kirk: “Spock…” Spock: “You have & always will be…undead.”

Follow all #zombietalk action on Twitter!

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With the threat of an influenza-spawned apocalypse bearing down on the world, many people have questions on how to survive the destruction and chaos that may ensue. As of today,  the most likely candidate of this biblical sociological unraveling is the Swine Flu. More specifically, the H1Z1 strain that one of my esteemed colleagues mentioned nearly a week ago. As you know, the virus kills one in the same manner as the H1N1 (Swine Flu). The major difference is the virus’ uncanny ability to restart the deceased’s heart and re-animate their body and mind for roughly two hours. Upon this makeshift resurrection, the “person” will retain most of their motor skills and very limited brain capacity. If that isn’t enough, the revived have violent and uncontrollable tendancies, namely attacking the living. These creatures are the closest thing you are ever going to get to being, that’s right, a ZOMBIE.

Now, if you are like most people, the thought of having undead cannibals as neighbors may not sound appealing. If that is the case, then you are probably going to want to get the fuck away from these flesh-feasting faggots as soon as fucking possible. Great idea!  But I know what you’re thinking, “I’m just an investment banker. What do I know about surviving hell on Earth?” Well, you know approximately jack shit. So sit down, grab a pad and a pen and…. actually just print this out before the power is cut, and drink from the cup of knowledge.

Before anyone goes guns a blazin’ into the night fleeing their unpleasant demise via mastication, it is priority #1 to actually have somewhere to arrive upon the completion of aforementioned retreat. The Ministry has already designated a spot that is perfect in every way to survive the onslaught, I suggest you do like wise. For features to look for in an outpost such as ours, consult The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks. I have some tips of my own, but this post is about a safe pilgrimage to said location.

Going with worst case scenario, let us say that you, the reader, live in a heavily populated city like New York or Chicago. There are bound to be hundreds of thousands of zombies roaming the buffet formerly known as your street. Now owning a car may sound like an advantage, but dont blow your load just yet. The streets will surely be parking lots by the time you realize your ass is on the menu. Grab your bike and necessary supplies and hit the streets like you did when you were twelve. This may sound ridiculous, but no street will be clear, no taxi’s will be running and you can bet your Huffy that the subway will be shut down. A bike is light, can be carried if necessary and has a speed that is far superior to your undead enemies clumsy, foot-dragging pace. Don’t have a bike? Not to worry. Plenty will be readily available when their riders ditch and make an uninformed decision to take a cab to the airport. Either that or they’re already zombie shit somewhere on the East side of town.

Now, once out of the city, you may have highways with clear lanes and may have also accumulated a gang of survivors. It is time to get a serious set of wheels. These, like your possibly stolen bike, will also be readily available after their owners have met similar fates as the cyclists back in town. You need a vehicle that would strike fear into the hearts of the undead (if they could feel fear). Something that says “Bend over mother fuckers, here it comes!” The most bad-ass ride imaginable. Something to store all your shit, haul ass, double as a base-camp, make you look like the road warrior from hell and be fully customizable for weapons of mass zombietinction. What you need is…. a mini-van. That’s right, I fucking said it. The mini-van is easily found anywhere there are or were people. Most have cargo room for gear and at least three passengers not including the driver. They ride smooth and are also Eco-friendly ( not that really fucking matters anymore).

The design plans of the Ministry’s BERSERKER escape van are classified for Ministry security purposes, but I have included a photo to quench your thirst.

As you may have noticed, it is bad-ass to the extreme and then some. Make your vehicle similar. Make sure to have armor plating, bullet- proof glass, short wave radio equipment, spare tires (at least two), a way to store food, water and the rest of your survival gear, the ability to store at least twenty extra gallons of gas, a fondue fountain, a howitzer or belt-fed .50 caliber machine gun turret, a DVD/CD player with flip-out screen and 7.1 Dolby digital surround (AM/FM optional), a microwave, your favorite pair of pajamas, a ramming system for the front and of course, a sun roof. Finding materials and the means to secure to your van are bit hard to come by in a post zompocalyptic world, but a grow set and find a way to do so. You must survive to rid the world of it s new occupants and rebuild when all is said and done.

I know yet again what some of you are thinking. ” I don’t see many the weapons and features listed above on the BERSERKER.” Its called camouflage and optical illusions bitches. Learn both and all the more better your chances will be. Notice also the absence of a Ministry logo or the title BERSERKER. This is to avoid being easily recognized by devout followers who will only impede the swift success of our journey, I suggest you follow suit.  The formation of tag-a-longs is not only annoying as piss, but also very dangerous.


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