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Archive for the ‘Task Force of Literary Investigation’ Category

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UPDATE: The novel is set to release on May 13th, 2009.

Nothing says fucking awesome like spicing up Jane Austen’s original text with a little flesh eating frenzy and hordes of zombies.  For an added bonus, there are also 20 altered illustrations of the original artwork.  Here’s an excerpt from the novel below.

“Come, Darcy,” said Mr. Bingley, “I hate to see you standing by yourself in this stupid manner. You had much better dance.”

“I certainly shall not. You know how I detest it.”

“I would not be as fastidious as you are for a kingdom! I never met with so many pleasant girls in my life as I have this evening; and several of them are uncommonly pretty.”

Before Mr. Darcy could respond, a chorus of screams filled the assembly hall, immediately joined by the shattering of window panes. Unmentionables scrambled in, their movements clumsy yet swift; their burial clothing in a range of untidiness.

Guests who had the misfortune of standing near the windows were seized and feasted on at once. Elizabeth watched Mrs. Long struggle to free herself as two female dreadfuls bit into her head, cracking her skull like a walnut, and sending a shower of dark blood spouting as high as the chandeliers.

PRE-ORDER YOUR COPY ON AMAZON — ($12.95)

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iamamerica

For the naysayers out there: YES, I know it’s 2009. YES, I know that Stephen Colbert’s book “I Am America (And So Can You!)” was published in 2007. But it’s amazing, and I have to make sure you are aware of its amazing-ness.

Also released as an Audiobook, Stephen Colbert took a dive into writing headfirst. And let me tell you, this book is a splash. Colbert covers topics such as: racism, homosexuality, social caste(s), sex, old people, and higher education.

An excerpt from the book:

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up.

Of course, just because Jesus replaces the Old Testament doesn’t mean you should necessarily skip it. That would be like skipping Batman & Robin just because the story starts over in Batman Begins. The important thing to realize is that both the old and the new stories are about an all-powerful being trying to rid the evildoers, only in the new one The Batman can eat pork.

And an excerpt from the audiobook: (courtesy of hachettebookgroup.com)

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(Audio) Audible
(Audio) iTunes
Barnes & Noble
Amazon

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I’d like to preface this post with a brief explanation. My Masterworks will be an ongoing series showcasing my all time favorites. Books, movies, music, and tv will all be covered. We begin with an excerpt from one of my favorite books. If you’re easily offended or squeamish 1) why are you reading this blog? 2) I suggest you skip over the following:

“The bum is too surprised to say anything. He only opens his mouth in shock and moves a grubby, mittened hand slowly up to his face. I yank his pants down and in the passing headlights of a taxi can make out his flabby black thighs, rashed because of his constantly urinating in the pantsuit. The stench of shit rises quickly into my face and breathing through my mouth, down on my haunches, I start stabbing him in the stomach, lightly, above the dense matted patch of pubic hair. This sobers him up somewhat and instinctively he tries to cover himself with his hands and the dog starts yipping, really furiously, but it doesn’t attack, and I keep stabbing at the bum now between his fingers, stabbing the backs of his hands. His eye, burst open, hangs out of its socket and runs down his face and he keeps blinking which causes what’s left of it inside the wound to pour out like red, veiny egg yolk. I grab his head with one hand and push it back and then with my thumb and forefinger hold the other eye open and bring the knife up and push the tip of it into the socket, first breaking its protective film so the socket fills with blood, then slitting the eyeball open sideways, and he finally starts screaming once I slit his nose in two, lightly spraying me and the dog with blood, Gizmo blinking to get the blood out of his eyes. I quickly wipe the blade clean across the bum’s face, breaking open the muscle above his cheek. Still kneeling, I throw a quarter in his face, which is slick and shiny with blood, both sockets hollowed out and filled with gore, what’s left of his eyes literally oozing over his screaming lips in thick, webby strands.”

This is merely one night in the engrossing life of Patrick Bateman. Set in the relentlessly contagious vanity and materialism of the 80s, American Pyscho’s vivid imagery can only be matched by its innate controversy. Germany, Australia, and New Zealand all restricted the public’s access to the book in some form or another. Throughout the book Patrick Bateman commited numerous heinous acts against women which drew the ire of feminists around the world. They say there’s no such thing as bad publicity, right? Time will tell. For now, do yourself a favor and check this out.

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If you want to avoid eternal hellfire you read the Bible. Avoiding Danielle Steele novels would be good for keeping your manhood securely intact. But if you’re like the rest of us, then surviving a zombie apocalypse is at the top of  your “to do” list. Thankfully Max Brooks has handed us a manifesto of information for doing just that.The Zombie Survival Guide is chocked to the gills with helpful tips on how to institute your own Alamo and beacon of light in a world run amok with hordes of undead cannibals. It is a literary accomplishment the likes of which have never been seen (in the field of non-fiction zombie media). Mr. Brooks thoroughly details how to protect yourself and you’re loved ones from the horde of undead knocking out your door. If you feel threatened by an inevitable attack of cannibalistic undead fuckers then go immediately to nearest book store and buy two copies. One to read and one to keep on your person at all times in case the first gets destroyed in the raging torrent of your “salanum” infested neighbors. Don’t be left behind when all shit breaks loose, be prepared for the impending doomsday and never lose the will to survive.

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